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Choosing Your Color

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England’s Royal Arms

I’ve been spending a lot of time lately with the second son of an English duke. You’ve guessed, of course: I’m devoted to Lord Peter Wimsey, Dorothy L. Sayers’ renowned aristocratic sleuth. There was something of a vogue for detection among the fictional peerage of the mid-twentieth century.  The fashion waned and probably received its death blow from the dreary antics of late-twentieth-century royalty.

Sayers (imho) made better use of aristocracy, or at least of wealth, than any of her contemporaries. In all too many a mystery, a mink stole or an ancient and expensive brandy drops into the scene for no better reason than to remind the reader that s/he is expected to be enjoying the idea of being rich. Sayers said that she surrounded Lord Peter with just those luxuries she would have loved herself: rare books, one’s own library, top-notch food and drink and presumably Wimsey’s high-powered Daimler, “Mrs. Merdle.” Her genuine delight in Wimsey’s primrose-and-black library, grand piano and excellent wine cellar call forth an equal delight in the reader.

With Sayers, this kind of detail is never just color, in the dreadful sense of the word as used by sportscasters. Our longest visit to Wimsey’s library contrasts its beauty and peace with his agony as he struggles to work out a case against a murderer who has framed the woman Wimsey loves. Dining on snails at an elegant restaurant, Wimsey notices that his guest views that dish askance, and calls for oysters instead. Attentive friend blends with money-no-object host.

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The New York Stock Exchange (Amazing Travel Photos)

The issue of color is on my mind because my fellow Thursday Night Writer Linda Landrigan persuaded me to try the mysteries of Emma Lathen, a queen of Golden Age detective fiction. Lathen was the nom de plume of two women, Mary Jane Latsis, an economist, and Martha Henissart, a lawyer. Their detective is John Putnam Thatcher, senior vice president of the Sloan Guaranty Trust Company. From his Wall Street office, he solves murders that occur in the world of business, especially high finance.

And for me it doesn’t work. I spent twenty years as an economist for investment firms. What is color to most of Lathen’s readers is just another Monday morning to me. My colleagues were not such buffoons as those Thatcher encounters (though I could have given Lathen a useful vignette or three.) But office life as described by an economist and a lawyer reaches me in pure monochrome. For Lathen’s many fans, it apparently works like a charm.

In the end, the characters and plot of Accounting for Murder pulled me in, but I doubt that I’ll read the whole series. And we all know that if you want to sell a mystery these days, and you aren’t an established author, you’d better be able to offer a series that will pull your first readers along with you.

So what about the color in my own mystery? In the literal sense, it starts out red, yellow and orange, the colors of fall in the New Hampshire mountains. It goes white and gray with winter, then a damp tan with mud season, and finally, joyously, green with spring. Figuratively, it’s the atmosphere of an Ivy League college, of a retirement home for some of its eccentric faculty, and of the rural village in transition that surrounds it.

Enough color? Not enough? Been done already? How about if the protagonist is an anthropologist specializing in African witchcraft? Too much yet? No? How about if I add a couple of ferrets? Okay, enough, right? But then I put the octopus in.

Maybe I need to rethink this….

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The Joys of Research

Martha, a ferret with attitude

Martha, a ferret with attitude

I mean, of course, the early research for your writing, when you don’t know what you need except bright new ideas, and everything is fair game. We’re not talking last-minute research, when you suddenly find out that every ambulance now carries a perfect antidote for the poison that killed your murder victim.

For some reason known only to my unconscious, the protagonist of my mystery novel emerged carrying two ferrets, George and Martha. (If you can think of any reason why this would happen, please do not tell me.) That’s Martha, above. My ferrets cannot talk; readers are not privy to their thoughts, if any; they do not solve the mystery. They just make messes, reveal human character and generally provide uproar when uproar is needed by the author.

My first source of ferret information was a friend. She owns seven ferrets. They live on the upper level of her house, separated from the kitchen and her other pets downstairs. I held her ferrets: furry and squirmy. I smelled them. Not close up, there’s no need for that. Ferrets broadcast an aroma that ferret lovers do not find offensive. I played with them: irresistible. They bounce, pounce and slither nonstop. They run with their hind half elevated in a kind of Spy-vs.-Spy hunch. The ferret philosophy of life is WHEE-EE-EE-EEEEEE!

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Narnia

Like mink, ferrets are water creatures. This is Narnia, who runs for the shower whenever she hears it running. Another of my friend’s fuzzies would park herself under the nozzle and stare at it until someone turned it on for her.

After the cute-ferret session, my friend sat me down for a serious talk about potty habits. Theirs, not mine. If you are squeamish, ferrets are not for you. If you want to know more, you’ll have to find out for yourself.

Next stop: books, books, books. If nothing else, research is a license to buy books. Ask Amazon about ferrets, and it first produces what you’d expect: The Ferret Handbook, Ferrets for Dummies and the alarming How to Stop Ferret Biting in 3 Days. But wait! There’s more! Richard Bach, author of Jonathan Livingston Seagull has written a series of fables about two ferrets, both of whom are writers. I sampled one volume, but my insulin level rose so alarmingly that I had to stop. There is also a 30-page mystery for children, featuring Fiona and Farley Ferret. Here we see one of the reverse benefits of research. Warning: you are entering the Sentimentality Zone. Watch your feet or you will step in something squishy.

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Red Ferret Hoodie

From Amazon, you can buy tiny red ferret hoodies, a high-sided plastic litter pan in a delicate shade of mauve, “The Ultimate Crunchy Advanced Nutrition Diet for Ferrets,” and a ferret decal for your car window. You can also give your ferret a “leopard-design” hammock. Surely this is like offering a shark-design hammock to a herring? Another repressed-hostility product: a wholly edible image of a ferret for the top of a sheet cake. It’s Kosher! Gluten Free! Soy Free! Trans-Fat Free! Buy yours now from Amazon!

Next, the wonderful web. You could spend the rest of your life watching cute ferret videos. Fun fact: ferrets are one of very few pets that have a smooth reverse gear. Just try to get your dog to back up. A ferret will do it so easily that he looks as if someone pressed the ‘rewind’ button. Check out the YouTube video, around minute 4:00.

Ferret owners are not necessarily mad. But they are very … specific. They are very focused on ferrets. Case in point: a YouTube performance by a proud ferret mommy of the song she composed, “Ferret, Oh, Ferret.” The tune’s her own invention, but it’s kind of like “O, Canada,” sung at a cricket match by a real non-professional.

Once you’ve done your research, you come to the hard part. You have to decide what belongs in the book. Ferrets are a lot messier than I want to deal with, in life or in fiction. I can leave the messy parts out of the story. But even when ferrets are misbehaving, they are every bit as adorable as ferret fanciers think they are. I don’t want readers rushing out to buy pets they’re going to get rid of at best and neglect at worst. So I’m planning a disclaimer, with web links, at the end of the book. I will not buy my own ferrets. I won’t. Really.